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Post by Harklight on Aug 21, 2009 21:11:46 GMT -5
Haha, Just gotta love her logic, foggy! Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??' 'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.' 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. ... Dew you really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?
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Post by Harklight on Aug 23, 2009 2:55:24 GMT -5
Aussie political humor ... change the name and it could apply to anyone, I guess.A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Prime Minister Kevin Rudd fans. Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Billy in the front row. The teacher asked Billy why he has decided to be different. 'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.' The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?' 'Because I'm a Liberal.' The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal. Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.' Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?' With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Aug 24, 2009 13:48:11 GMT -5
lmao love the bic joke, H. A lawyer and a blond woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blond is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blond, so he makes another offer, “Okay, how about this. If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blond’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it’s the blond’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He searches the internet, from wikipedia to the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to everyone he knows, with no success. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blond and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blond again and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blond reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. You thought the blonde would be the dumb one, didn't you?
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on Aug 24, 2009 14:54:59 GMT -5
You all are so funny! I needed a good laugh today. What a great stress reliever! Read on....
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
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I know I've posted this before (at least I think I have), but I thought I'd post it again. Just in case...lol. I thought it was cute.[/i]
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Aug 28, 2009 12:20:37 GMT -5
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in My closet now.'
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Post by NewMan™ on Aug 30, 2009 13:42:45 GMT -5
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.."
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Aug 30, 2009 13:57:44 GMT -5
ROTF!! Those are so funny. HAHAAHA
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Post by Harklight on Sept 1, 2009 20:07:33 GMT -5
So many days without a joke? Tsk, tsk.
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives by and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the bejaysus out of you if I could swim!"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 2, 2009 10:31:56 GMT -5
Three women - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde - were waiting in their obstetrician's office. All three women were very obviously pregnant. Suddenly the brunette says, " I just know I'm going to have a boy! My husband was on top!" The redhead answers, "I just know I'm going to have a girl! I was on top!" The blonde bursts into tears and says, "Oh no!! I'm having puppies!"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 2, 2009 10:33:58 GMT -5
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. ****************** Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 2, 2009 10:47:53 GMT -5
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth; I'm a one-wish genie. So what'll it be?'
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other; I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'
The genie looked at the map and said, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years...I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'
The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate, fun, likes to cook and help with house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'
The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the goddamn map again.'
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Post by Max on Sept 2, 2009 18:49:43 GMT -5
I'll keep this short, but sweet. (Must be familiar with who Chuck Norris is) Chuck Norris is Helen Keller's favorite color. The end.
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Post by Harklight on Sept 2, 2009 21:26:18 GMT -5
So funny, guys! Chuckling ... Oh, I'd have loved to be in the lighthouse during that discourse, Jamie.
Paddy & Mick went to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 5, 2009 22:10:11 GMT -5
*snickers*
I'll use that in certain company, be sure of it. lmao
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 10, 2009 15:26:41 GMT -5
It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.
When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."
So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuktu."
"Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"
Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu."
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