|
Post by Dr Fogg on Oct 16, 2009 17:23:06 GMT -5
A woman says to her husband , "what would you do if I won lotto?" He says, "I'd take half then leave you." "Excellent," she replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now F*CK off!"
|
|
|
Post by Dr Fogg on Oct 16, 2009 17:52:48 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Dr Fogg on Oct 26, 2009 15:57:07 GMT -5
USS MONTANA Click the pic.
|
|
|
Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Oct 26, 2009 17:08:35 GMT -5
I've read about that before but never heard it! lol
|
|
|
Post by Harklight on Nov 2, 2009 3:33:02 GMT -5
MATURE!
It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked the wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'
|
|
|
Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Nov 4, 2009 15:45:29 GMT -5
During a round of password verification checks, a blonde employee was asked by her supervisor why she was using this for a password:
MickeyMinnieDonaldGoofyHueyLouieDeweyPluto
To which she replied:
Because it has to be 8 characters, duh!
|
|
astroannie
Apprentice Member
Baseball Poetess
Posts: 107
|
Post by astroannie on Nov 13, 2009 22:43:35 GMT -5
Once there was a man who was endowed by God or nature with a 25" member. This proved awkward for him in many ways. He sought help from the medical establishment but was told that, although there were techniques for enlarging them, making them smaller while retaining their functionality was problematic.
He was confiding his problems to a friend who told him to seek out the old voodoo lady. Thinking it couldn't hurt, he consulted the woman. He paid her fee and listened closely to her as she explains the procedure. "Go out to the swamp and find the bullfrog that's as big as your hand. Ask him to marry you. When he says 'No!' you'll lose five inches." He waited till he was back in his car before he started laughing. When he calmed down he thought, well, I paid her a lot of money so I'll have to try it.
Saturday came and he went out to the swamp and looked for the frog. He spent hours searching for the frog. He finally found him and asked, "Bullfrog, would you marry me?" The bullfrog said "No!" and jumped into the water and swam away. But just at the instant that he'd said his "No!" ..... *>poof<* ... the guy lost 5".
So the next day he went back. Same thing happened. He finally found the bullfrog and asked him again, "Bullfrog will you marry me?" And the bullfrog said his "No!" and swam away and the guy lost another 5".
Now next day is Monday so he's back to work. And he's thinking he's still a little over-endowed. That 10" would be a good size. So when Saturday comes, he goes back to the swamp and looks for the bullfrog.
Finally, after an extra-long search he finds the bullfrog. He asks him, "Bullfrog, will you marry me?" And the bullfrog says, "How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"
|
|
|
Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Dec 8, 2009 9:27:24 GMT -5
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says...
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers... I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out ¤100 notes I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'
|
|
|
Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Dec 8, 2009 9:33:55 GMT -5
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
|
|
|
Post by NewMan™ on Jan 3, 2010 3:48:20 GMT -5
Two Vermont rednecks (no, Jamie's not one of them) go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finally catch a small fish. As they are driving home they are really depressed. One of the guys turns to the other and says, "Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guys says, "WOW! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
|
|
|
Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Feb 23, 2010 12:33:36 GMT -5
Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside , San Diego , California .
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet
which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.
Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters, the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps
Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had
detected the presence of ,and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it
shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation
for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched
to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer
holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar.
It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
|
|
|
Post by Harklight on Feb 23, 2010 18:17:30 GMT -5
ROFLMAO, I only just read #143. Gotta love that maths!
|
|
|
Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Feb 23, 2010 20:23:23 GMT -5
Yeah, that one's a favorite of mine. Makes me laugh every time.
|
|
|
Post by Dr Fogg on Feb 26, 2010 4:14:06 GMT -5
Mother of all Jokes
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. ' He's a martyr too' says mum quietly. 'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says.... 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'[/size][/color]
|
|
|
Post by Sir Lancelot on Feb 27, 2010 8:03:49 GMT -5
A devout christian woman has cancer, and the doctors tell her it will cost 10,000 pounds to start treatment, so she saves up and books in to the hospital, and as shes waiting to start treatment a white light appears and a voice says "I am god, i've cured your cancer for you, since you are a devout christian you've still got 3 years of life left" then everything goes back to normal and the doctors come in "doctor god told me hes cured me, so they do a check up and the cancer has gone and then they ask her what she wants to do now cos they can't refund the money" so she decides to get a boob job, a nose job, a face lift, and all that pampering stuff, then she gets released after the healing time, and shes walking down the highway heading towards home, thinking i've got three years left, then she gets run over by a truck.
she appears in heaven and says "GOD you said i had 3 years left" God looks at her and says "omg Julie is that you? i didn't reconize you"
|
|