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Post by Harklight on Jul 16, 2009 22:10:23 GMT -5
haha ~ it's "healthy" to have a good laugh at the pollies (and the so-called "experts")
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jul 17, 2009 17:33:07 GMT -5
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Post by Harklight on Jul 19, 2009 20:51:18 GMT -5
Haha, more pollie jokes! Love them, Lita!
Apologies, in advance, to the Muslims and Irish: they're not all Paddy's!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust: "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back to the stewardess & said: "Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!"
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Post by Dr Fogg on Jul 20, 2009 2:34:21 GMT -5
Hahaha luv it.
Am man stood at the graveside with other mourners for his departed wife. A sad little sight made worse by heavy rain. Suddenly there was a huge clap of thunder. The man looked sideways at the priest and quietly said "She's there then".
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jul 20, 2009 15:30:54 GMT -5
AAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrggg. LOLOL
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: 1. A Bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whiskey. 4. A Playboy magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.." "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! "If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. "But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under hisarm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
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Post by NewMan™ on Jul 24, 2009 6:41:59 GMT -5
Billy Bob and LeRoy, two rednecks from my imagination, were in the local discount store when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place, a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. LeRoy won 6th place prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the cousins met back at the store. LeRoy asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great! I love spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked LeRoy, "How 'bout you? How's that toilet brush worken out?" "Not so good," replied LeRoy. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper..."
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Post by Max on Jul 24, 2009 19:42:17 GMT -5
Hahaha! Good one Daniel... silly rednecks.
...A man robbed my neighbor the other day. He stole 20 bottles of viagra. It's ok though, the police have a lead.
They're looking for a hardened criminal.
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Post by Harklight on Jul 26, 2009 14:19:13 GMT -5
*lol, Daniel! Methinks LeRoy might be red on another part of his anatomy as well as his neck!
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks: "What did you do?"
Paddy replies: "I've put the dog in our garden; lets see how they like it!"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jul 28, 2009 7:03:27 GMT -5
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcome briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked INCREASE in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
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Post by Harklight on Jul 28, 2009 16:04:55 GMT -5
*lol Jamie. Now we're cooking: secretary AND cannibal jokes!!
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Post by apocalypticjay on Aug 4, 2009 19:43:41 GMT -5
Inflatable You
Your love for me is not debatable Your sexual appetite's insatiable You never ever make me waitable Delectable, inflatable you.
You don't have problems with your weight at all You never steal food off my plate at all I never have to masturbate at all Unstoppable, inflatable you.
You never seem to menstruate at all So you're not angry when I'm late at all I feel permanently felatable Unpoppable, inflatable you.
With you in my arms I feel we could just fly away With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day In this ocean of life I'm never afraid we might drown We could just float forever whatever the weather Whenever my inflatable lover's around.
Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable You always do what you are toldable And if we argue you're just foldable Controllable consolable you.
My mates all reckon you are suitable I took you 'round to watch the footable And Steve and Gary said you're rootable Commutable, refutable you.
You're never sensitive or tickley When I rub you my skin goes prickerly It's known as static electricity Felicity when I'm kissing you.
Your skin is so smooth I couldn't afford you with hair You have all the holes real girls have got plus one for the air Your problems are simple, I don't need my Masters in Psych To know if you get down I just perk you right up With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike.
You never wake up when I snore at all A trait which I find quite adorable You have a box and you are storable Ignorable, back-doorable you.
Any sexual position's feasible Although you don't bend at the knees at all Your hooters are so firm and squeezable Increasable, un-creasable you.
You don't complain about my hairy back Or 'bout the inches that downstairs I lack You're not disgusted by my furry crack Burt Bacharach, Jack Kerouac ooo.
Now birth control is not an issue I clean it all up with a tissue I bet my jealous friends all wish you Were insatiably inflatably theirs.
Don’t let me down. Don’t let me down. Don’t let me down. And I won’t let you down.
Tim Minchin 2003.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Aug 5, 2009 9:33:24 GMT -5
This one's from my Mother to all you ladies out there. Men, forgive me: Apples and Wine: Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now men . . . men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on Aug 10, 2009 15:23:09 GMT -5
John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune. To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key. Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir. The choir director asked the pastor's help in getting John out of the choir. The pastor agreed to try. The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John's attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning. John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member. Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, "Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director." So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, "John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir." John was shocked and asked, "Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get." The pastor replied, "Well, John, people are complaining about your singing." "How many?" was John's response. Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, "I've received more than a dozen complaints." "I'm sorry, pastor, that's not enough. I've heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven't quit yet." ``````````````````````````````````````````
“If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must really love our church.” ``````````````````````````````````````````
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?" The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid." ``````````````````````````````````````````
* If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable? * Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. * The best vitamin for a Christian is B1. * "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.” `````````````````````````````````````````` A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs. With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!" At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
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Post by Dr Fogg on Aug 19, 2009 17:17:06 GMT -5
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Post by Dr Fogg on Aug 21, 2009 1:43:24 GMT -5
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "FORTY-FOUR YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL".
NOW I HAVE A £500,000 HOME, A £20,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
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