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Post by PSAdmin on Jun 30, 2009 11:29:08 GMT -5
They have custom theme music playing when you call the proctologist:
When The Taints Go Marchin' In
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jun 30, 2009 12:37:26 GMT -5
Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Yuks the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I was buying all that for one dog.
What did she think I was buying it for an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do (yeah right) and a hard time being gentle with the unguided, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry...it really worked.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line and the checkout area was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both...
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard, I did make quite of lot of people smile out loud.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore... we now go to Sam's.
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on Jun 30, 2009 15:34:22 GMT -5
Ok...please forgive me ahead of time for the crude nature of this one. I just had to share it when I heard it the other day. My kids told it to me, and of course they changed the names because it was, in fact, our anniversary of 18 years. That's why I felt it was so cute. I'm still not sure if my children made this up just to make me laugh, or if they actually heard it somewhere, but nonetheless, it gave me a great laugh and so I felt I must share it with you all here. Enjoy (or not...lol)! ;D Here goes................
Bob and Stacy had been married for quite a long time and were getting ready to celebrate their 18th wedding anniversary. Bob promised Stacy that he would get her a present that she had never gotten before and promised that she would absolutely love it. Of course Stacy was ecstatic and could hardly wait for the big day to come and see just what it was that dear old Bob had in store for her. Imagine her surprise when she opened up her present and found that it was a set of bathroom scales. Poor Bob has never been seen nor heard from since. Stacy truly felt like he had given her the best present ever....her freedom!
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jun 30, 2009 16:03:25 GMT -5
Dang. Those are funny! A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another mental giant and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"
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Post by NewMan™ on Jul 1, 2009 0:35:21 GMT -5
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life." "Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Post by Dr Fogg on Jul 6, 2009 17:06:11 GMT -5
A blind man was having problems with his newley trained guide dog. It wouldnt come when he called. he ended up screaming its name until he went blue. Eventualy the dog sauntered over and the blind man gave him a biscuit. An onlooker said "What did you give him a reward for when he was so bad" The blind mand said"I wanted to know which end his mouth was so I can kick him in the balls.
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Post by NewMan™ on Jul 6, 2009 19:14:56 GMT -5
Three guys, each with hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day when one remarked to the others.. "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday" "So am I", said the third man, "lets go have a beer.."
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jul 8, 2009 8:16:55 GMT -5
After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jul 8, 2009 8:18:09 GMT -5
During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Bethlehem."
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Post by ARTHUR KELLY on Jul 8, 2009 16:47:14 GMT -5
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.(BallyLongford) After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a phukkin' towel!'
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jul 12, 2009 20:12:48 GMT -5
lmfao
Arthur! That's a riot! OMG I just shot iced tea out of my nose. ow! *still laughing*
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Post by Max on Jul 12, 2009 20:30:11 GMT -5
Agreed. Kuddos for that one, Arthur.
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jul 13, 2009 14:32:42 GMT -5
Holy cow. ROTFLMAO. Too funny. ;D Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars' One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance..' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jul 14, 2009 12:55:46 GMT -5
lmao poor Esther!!
This is shamelessly stolen from the Stephen King forums joke thread:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh---ing me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. __________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ... ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on20dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jul 15, 2009 14:53:03 GMT -5
Very funny stuff Mr J. The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
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