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Post by Dr Fogg on Sept 13, 2009 11:09:53 GMT -5
^Brilliant^
>>This really works...! >> >> If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. >> Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. >> >>When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 15, 2009 12:00:01 GMT -5
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 15, 2009 14:08:11 GMT -5
*Suggestive* The university professor had just finished explaining a research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was a requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family. A smart-ass student in the back of the classroom quickly raised his hand and shouted out, “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?” To be expected, the class exploded in laughter. After the students had finally settled down, the professor looked deep into the student’s eyes with a piercing look. “Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just have to learn to write with your other hand.”
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on Sept 16, 2009 10:39:15 GMT -5
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer. This is so freaking funny! This was sent to me in pogo today. I thought it was cute, so I thought I would post it in here. Hope you like it as much as I did. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long." With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
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Post by Harklight on Sept 18, 2009 0:30:27 GMT -5
*Mature content* A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. The lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again". The Blonde says: "No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey b%tch"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 21, 2009 13:05:16 GMT -5
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 24, 2009 7:14:43 GMT -5
The Irish Daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...dad...I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club ... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Begorrah! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
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Post by Harklight on Sept 27, 2009 23:36:00 GMT -5
*lol, reminds me of certain people ^^ CANNON BALLS!! On old war ships, it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon. Preventing them from rolling about the undulating deck was a major problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to each cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others! Brilliant solution ... they made a metal plate with 16 round dimples, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. However, as unfortunately found, when this plate were made of iron, the sixteen bottom iron cannon balls in the stack quickly rusted to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the plates of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts more than iron, and more rapidly when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus it was, quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that it was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?
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Post by Dr Fogg on Sept 28, 2009 1:36:00 GMT -5
^Well I have to admit I didnt know that one. AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 28, 2009 13:37:10 GMT -5
Foggy lmao!
Hope no one is offended by this:
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.' Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
''SUPPLIES!!!!''
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Post by Dr Fogg on Sept 28, 2009 14:31:12 GMT -5
Whaaaaaaaaaaa Absolutely Brilliant. (Your lucky Foggosan is Japanese and not Chinese)
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Post by Harklight on Oct 1, 2009 15:49:15 GMT -5
Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: “God, please give me the strength to cross the river”.
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river”.
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river”.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and calmly walked across the bridge.
If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
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Post by Harklight on Oct 4, 2009 3:07:35 GMT -5
WARNING - male genitalia at risk!
A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
He’ll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson (and related parts) in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth … as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Oct 4, 2009 14:32:30 GMT -5
lmfao OMG *giggles*
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Post by NewMan™ on Oct 16, 2009 17:16:32 GMT -5
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture had been taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he had not been speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. Again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he circled the block and drove past the area a third time, driving even more slowly, again the camera flashed. He tried it a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he drove by at a snails pace. Two weeks later he got five traffic tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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