Sarah
Experienced Member
~Everything happens for a reason~[ss:Autumn]
Posts: 381
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Post by Sarah on Aug 3, 2009 18:03:24 GMT -5
This incomplete feeling, murdered by day Clamping my jaw, preventing things needed to say When night does fall, he makes his entrance Beguiling me with his deceivers' dance Moving to embrace only to retreat Filling my mind once again with deceit Creating seductive tempo with charlatan grin Immortal deviant obeying time nor space Confidence in my thoughts until he gives chase Constant tormentor, presence always known Seeds once planted, taken root and grown Into a tree eclipsing my heart's eyes Increasing daily with his fabricated lies No reassuring phrase can save me from his grasp Choking off every tender word, I can only gasp Cunning creature capable of notorious disguise Seeming to disappear behind my very eyes Masked as anger toward family and friends Painful cycle that seemingly never ends Unwilling host to his parasitic coexistence As always, soon my poor heart will offer no resistance Everything I feel will be nothing but a memory With my little doubtful demon, never to be free.
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Post by Max on Aug 3, 2009 21:18:17 GMT -5
Sarah, I sense feelings of betrayal in this piece, as if you feel that you are a pawn on the charlatan's chess board. At the same time though... you almost seem to welcomet his, as if you are a willing participant in this game that you seem to be taking part in. Whatever the case may be, this is a fantastic write as always, my dear
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Post by carousal on Aug 4, 2009 5:32:08 GMT -5
Some very good poetic phrases, especially towards the end of this piece. I think that it would read a little better if divided into stanzas particularly as it is written in rhyme
Overall the rhyme falls into a natural rhythm with just the one exception of the ‘hearts eyes line which appears a little forced.
What I really liked was the sincerity of the piece, you express your feelings well Sarah.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Sept 28, 2009 10:37:44 GMT -5
I agree with Cari about the Stanza thing. At first i was under the impression this was actually about someone else, however toward the end I began to understand that it is you who feels the charlatan, made into something you are not by feelings you don't wish to host. Powerful write, my friend.
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