Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Apr 25, 2009 12:14:14 GMT -5
HaHaHa So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Apr 25, 2009 12:19:47 GMT -5
Why I Am So Tired!!! For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired, which leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government, which leaves 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Bin Laden, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work. As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work... YOU and ME!! And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on May 2, 2009 16:59:43 GMT -5
A man owned a small Ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 2, 2009 17:30:26 GMT -5
LMAO That's a good one, Penny. I can kindof identify, too. . . heh.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 4, 2009 7:19:27 GMT -5
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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Post by Harklight on May 4, 2009 22:17:40 GMT -5
Lady B, LMAO!! Walmart weren't smart ~ I'll employ you! Very inventive old folk *lol Jamie! ... and not the first alternative use I've heard/read. *still laughing, H x
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Post by NewMan™ on May 7, 2009 22:17:40 GMT -5
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”
Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”
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Post by Artemis on May 8, 2009 17:14:10 GMT -5
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 14, 2009 14:25:13 GMT -5
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Three mischievous old grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are. The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age. Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?' Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 14, 2009 14:33:04 GMT -5
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.' 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. And he had the same misgivings
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on May 14, 2009 15:05:59 GMT -5
HaHaHa So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. Ha! Ha! Ha! Penny I needed this today! ROFLMAO!!! Thanks for making me laugh.
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on May 14, 2009 15:07:55 GMT -5
One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!” Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!” OMG!!! Daniel this had me in stitches!!! Reminds me of my sister-in-law and how she is sleeping with her first cousin (Now please don't think badly of me, please...even though I speak the truth)
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on May 16, 2009 23:05:16 GMT -5
HaHaHaHaHa. ROTF. I tell you. ROTF! Great funnies. Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 18, 2009 6:22:36 GMT -5
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He asked: "Who f*cked up your hair?"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 18, 2009 6:23:47 GMT -5
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing very tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says..., "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
(These last two were shamelessly stolen from a friend's blog.)
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