To Play With Dark And Light

[Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com]

So I originally had posted this version for the TPS Challenge, completely ignoring that it was too long. The redacted (16-line) version follows--but I like the longer version better myself, so wanted to post it here.

So sure, she rules my pen with ease,
And when she does my dreams take flight
In truth, I seek my Muse to please;
Her gifts give play to dark and light.
My verse slave to her bark and bite:

The love she burns on page with heat,
The dire she drops as tears from souls,
The laughs we share with rhyme and beat;
The dark, as one, we pray light holds,
The truth and joy with pen she molds.

Those in our head that wait their turn--
Dreamt mice and men with tales to tell--
They know my muse writes thoughts that burn,
So wait in shades where hope doth dwell
'Til called to life; She knows them well.

This craft is one of shades and urge,
So pen in hand I wait on Muse,
Who comes to me with tales to purge:
My pen sets down (no time to lose)
Those words she seeks with dreams to fuse

~~

So sure, she rules my pen with ease,
And when she does my dreams take flight
In truth, I seek my Muse to please;
Her gifts give play to dark and light.

The love she burns on page with heat,
The dire she drops as tears from souls,
The laughs we share with rhyme and beat;
The truth and joy with pen she molds.

Those in our head that wait their turn--
Dreamt mice and men with tales to tell--
They know my muse writes thoughts that burn,
So wait 'til called; their lives she'll spell.

This craft is one of shades and urge,
So pen in hand I wait on Muse,
Who comes to me with tales to purge:
I write the dreams she seeks to fuse.


I can't help but wonder if I lost some of the meaning in the redaction . . .

[Artemis]

,,,, I don't think so Jamie .. it is still a fantastic write, I loved it the first time and still love it with the extra bits, exalt. This poem stuck in my head today along with a nature one I reviewed ... lovely work my friend. K xxx

[carousal]

I find that if I attempt longer poems, especially in rhyme I struggle. I have a linier approach to poetry, a beginning, the middle and the end as a summing up or a twist. If I add more I sense that I’m merely repeating myself or adding embroidery. The result is the rhyme becomes forced because I’m getting bored with the piece.

I feel that with your poem you have a slight problem as in the second verse the triple rhyme Souls-Holds- Molds which seems a little forced.

With your piece you have reduced the stanzas by a single line so the rhyme is A.B.A.B which is the version I prefer as for me the rhythm is more pronounced than the longer version A.B.A.B.B.

[Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com]

I tend to agree with you Cari, though the first is the initial version written. See what revision can do for a piece!?

[Harklight]

Both are good pieces, Jamie, losing little in minimising. ABABB rhyme schemes are difficult to sustain without being forced but you did it fine. Second stanza could use conjuctive words, instead of all starting with "The". It's a shame that the redacted version lost this rhyme:
"Her gifts give play to dark and light.
My verse slave to her bark and bite"
First stanza's fifth line has bold "character". H x