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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jun 8, 2009 6:35:09 GMT -5
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
- She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
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Post by polonius on Jun 8, 2009 6:47:00 GMT -5
You never see the Klan in Manhattan for one important reason -- the city is smart. They don't build lawns to burn the crosses on.
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Post by polonius on Jun 8, 2009 6:50:45 GMT -5
How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? The viola burns longer. The viola holds more beer. You can tune the violin.
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We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer? It's usually still in the case. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando? Mark it "solo." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? The coffin has the dead person on the inside. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a viola and an onion? No one cries when you cut up a viola. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a minor second? Two violists playing in unison. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?" Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? The seamstress tucks up the frills. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? Vibrato. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola? It saves time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How was the canon invented? Two violists were trying to play the same passage together. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants? They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a viola solo like a bomb? By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jun 8, 2009 8:12:50 GMT -5
Wow. What violist pissed you off?
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Post by polonius on Jun 8, 2009 8:15:56 GMT -5
That's only the first half of four pages.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jun 8, 2009 14:58:08 GMT -5
Four pages? Now that's what I call a "concerted" effort! Thanks, I'm here all week.
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Post by polonius on Jun 9, 2009 9:19:02 GMT -5
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post turtle". The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there."
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Post by polonius on Jun 9, 2009 9:20:16 GMT -5
"Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" Jay Leno
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Post by polonius on Jun 9, 2009 9:21:48 GMT -5
A Christian, a Jew and Barack Obama are in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Barack Obama says, "This joke isn't going to work because there's no Muslim in this boat." Andy Borowitz
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Post by Harklight on Jun 13, 2009 15:20:50 GMT -5
Daffy Duck, on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for condoms.
Receptionist says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"
"Don't be thuckin' thupid, I'd thuthocate!"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on Jun 13, 2009 21:13:28 GMT -5
Daffy Duck, on a dirty weekend, calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist says, "Shall I put them on your bill?" "Don't be thuckin' thupid, I'd thuthocate!" LMFAO ;D Too damned funny, and one I can remember to tell!
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Post by ARTHUR KELLY on Jun 17, 2009 12:22:32 GMT -5
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jun 17, 2009 13:28:23 GMT -5
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Post by NewMan™ on Jun 25, 2009 14:48:13 GMT -5
Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.." When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping...."
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on Jun 29, 2009 22:51:18 GMT -5
ROTF President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton". "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
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