Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on May 18, 2009 15:41:39 GMT -5
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Post by Artemis on May 18, 2009 16:04:26 GMT -5
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on May 18, 2009 22:41:36 GMT -5
I have to concur. This was so freakin' hillarious!!! Nice one Jamie.
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on May 19, 2009 16:21:05 GMT -5
There was a man who one day didnt feel like going to church so he decided to go hunting instead.
He was out in the bush when he was approached from behind by a bear. He dropped his gun by accident but didnt bother to pick it up.
He ran for his life. Weaving in and out the trees with the bear on his trail. Curving around a tree he tripped over its root.
He looked up and the bear looked down. The bear was about to strike at him. He put his hands together and prayed:
"Dear lord, Please let this bear be a Christian."
The bear sat down on its bum and held the mans hands, closed his eyes and said: "Dear lord, Thank you for the food that I am about to receive"
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 19, 2009 19:46:27 GMT -5
LMAO I just shot soda out my nose again, thanks to you, Penny. OMG that's funny. Still laughing.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 20, 2009 13:46:30 GMT -5
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage and The Amazing Claude came out.
"I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. simultaneously" The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...When I speak you will do exactly as I say.." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Claude continued with his instructions.."Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch. You will do everything I say." Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly.... it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SH*T!" said The Amazing Claude ...
... It took the staff three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 20, 2009 13:48:07 GMT -5
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist told her, 'If you' re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist said. 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 20, 2009 13:48:32 GMT -5
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat . As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba. ;D
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Saffron
Experienced Member
Daughter of Ecanus
Posts: 365
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Post by Saffron on May 20, 2009 14:29:52 GMT -5
HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Jamester, those are hilarious!! I laughed so suddenly I startled my Husband. There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna
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Post by NewMan™ on May 20, 2009 19:31:00 GMT -5
An out of towner drove his car into a ditch in an isolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
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Post by NewMan™ on May 20, 2009 19:35:46 GMT -5
First Celebrity Fatality of Swine Flu
I think we all know who the carrier is.
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 20, 2009 21:08:39 GMT -5
LMAO that's going on my blog newman. I'm stealing it.
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on May 21, 2009 16:26:48 GMT -5
This Indian lived outside of town and the government was trying to take his property from him and place him on a reservation. So he went to the courthouse to try to straighten things out. He ended up in the medical clinic in the bottom of the courthouse. He told 'em 'Bowels no move.' They gave him a box of laxatives and sent him on his way. He came back a week later and told them the same thing 'Bowels no move'. So this time they gave him extra-strength laxatives and sent him on his way, yet again. Two weeks later and showed back up, looked half dead and said 'Bowels must move. Teepee full of sh*t!'
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Post by stacy (FINALLY back!) on May 21, 2009 16:32:29 GMT -5
OMG!!! Newman I almost wet myself!!! Thank God I wasn't taking a drink when I read that one! I think I'm going to put that on my blog as well, if you don't mind.
Stacy
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Post by Jamie~poetshare.forumotion.com on May 22, 2009 8:02:15 GMT -5
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes …. How did you figure that out?" "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing."
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